


The Kidfic AU - 8

by Tieleen



Series: The Kidfic AU [8]
Category: Bandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-25
Updated: 2010-08-25
Packaged: 2017-10-11 06:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/109257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tieleen/pseuds/Tieleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So ditching Greta is easy, but ditching his own kids is more of a problem, because if they hear later on (and they <em>will</em> hear later on) that he took some strange kids to the mall without inviting them along, there'll probably be both hell and therapist bills to pay. The latter is not really that much of a problem; Pete has college funds and shrink funds all set up and in place. But still, it's a limited resource system.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kidfic AU - 8

Pete tries to bribe them, which is, actually, illegal. Well, maybe not _illegal_, because it's not about their job or anything -- they don't actually have a job, and seriously, if Bob doesn't get his algebra grades up, he's not going to have one later either -- but it's definitely probably _unethical_. Spencer knows a lot about ethics. Dad's pretty big on that.

Which means that possibly dad would have frowned on this whole thing, but A, Spencer can't actually tell him (which _might_ just be another layer of Pete's plan, but possibly not), and B, dad also entirely possibly wouldn't even think it _was_ bribery, and even if he did, he might just think it was sweet. Dad's kind of retarded about Pete, Spencer's definitely noticed that. Also, C, and this is important, Pete's plan has an ingenious twist to it, because it involves taking them to the mall.

Spencer's thirteen, which is definitely old enough to go to the mall by himself, except the bus system is a pain in the ass and you have to switch and wait and all of that, and also pay your own way, which is even more of a pain in the ass. And dad still frowns a bit about the whole thing, because being the oldest means you're the one who has to get parents used to everything, including the fact that this isn't actually Jersey and going more than a mile away doesn't get you shot on the street.

Bob is most definitely not old enough to go to the mall by himself, but he also, inexplicably, isn't that big on the mall in general. But he doesn't really care about the bribery part, either, and although they're both kind of wary about spending a whole afternoon with Pete, well, they _do_ actually need to buy dad a birthday present. So.

Spencer isn't holding anyone's hand, though. It's bad enough going around looking like he's hanging out with his dad and his little brother without it even _being_ his actual dad.  


* * *

  


* * *

  


Gerard's brother offers to watch Greta when Pete calls him for gift ideas, which is pretty awesome, because, while Pete certainly wants to bond with all of the kids, he also has enough experience to know that taking a five year old to public places isn't the best thing to do when you want to give your best impression.

Also, according to Mikey, Greta is adamant that Gerard really wants a princess Barbie castle or something like that, which -- well, they agree that the castle part is possibly true (and why not, castles are awesome), but Gerard definitely wouldn't want anything Barbie. Barbies are evil. Which Pete certainly agrees with and he wouldn't have them in his house either except sometimes three kids throwing fits at once is just too much to deal with.

Thankfully, the Barbies are now old and shaggy-haired and spend most of their time sitting on the shelf in their painted faces and bunny suits ("_what?_" Gerard had said, at this point in the confession, but thankfully Pete meant actual full-body rabbit suits, or he thinks maybe Gerard would have stormed off then and there. Well, and also possibly child services would have come and taken his children away.) And although Frank has been campaigning for some Bratz dolls -- Frank wasn't even part of the original Barbie effort, Pete's pretty sure he just likes how freaky ass they look -- Pete is now older and wiser, and even, amazingly, less prone to crumbling when Ryan pouts (because now he does it in more of a sulky teenager way and less of a broken-hearted kid way. Usually. Unless he really actually wants something.)

That's just an indicator of Pete's general development as a parent and a human, though, because Ryan isn't part of the whole thing this time, and Frank has no pouting skills whatsoever. He starts giggling halfway through every time. Also, he's just one kid, and has no chance against the evil empire, which is, as mentioned, older and wiser and used to dealing with six kids all wanting things at the same time, so.

So ditching Greta is easy, but ditching his own kids is more of a problem, because if they hear later on (and they _will_ hear later on) that he took some strange kids to the mall without inviting them along, there'll probably be both hell and therapist bills to pay. The latter is not really that much of a problem; Pete has college funds and shrink funds all set up and in place. But still, it's a limited resource system.

In the end it all turns out okay, though, because when he calls up Butcher for the babysitting he finds out there's a music thing in the park that actually sounds fairly awesome -- Pete is briefly tempted to postpone the whole mall thing and go himself -- and Butcher, who generally has the survival instincts of a suicide bomber, is absolutely fine with taking all the kids out at once. He even claims his friends will help him make sure none of them wander off, which -- well, Butcher's been watching the younger kids for a year now and none of them's dead yet. Pete does generally trust his judgment.

"Don't let yourself start thinking Ryan and Brendon can be trusted," he warns him, though.

"Yeah, Pete," Butcher says mildly, "I know. I've met them."

"Yeah, but only at home," Pete says. "Brendon doesn't have any strangers to make friends with at home. And they get a little weird about music."

"As opposed to all the others, right?" Butcher says.

The problem is, of course, that even though both Ryan and Brendon are partly free to come and go -- and Frank is about two seconds from coming and going whether or not Pete allows it, but that's okay because Pete's come up with some awesome ideas lately and he suspects Frank isn't actually too big for a kid leash -- it might be a sunny day in the park, but it's a _live music show_. Pete knows what people get up to in live music shows. Also, all of his three oldest kids have even less of a survival instinct than Butcher, and unlike him, none of them could punch someone in the face if something bad happens, although Frank may manage a punch in the nuts.

"Just, you know," he says. "Also, you probably want to look menacing if it looks like Ryan's getting hassled, because if you don't, Victoria and Frank will."

"Pete," Butcher says, "you're not supposed to act like a grandma about your kids. You're making me feel like nobody has any hope. I thought you were all laid back about it."

"Yeah, you were wrong," Pete says. "Did I ever tell you about this window at my parents' house and how they tried to nail it shut a few hundred times so I wouldn't sneak out? But I'd pull the nails out and go anyway?"

There's silence. "Did anybody try to nail it shut from the _outside_?"

"That's not the point," Pete says, although he's wondered about that himself. "The point is, nobody has any hope, and if you really put yourself into it, you can almost die about sixty five times between ages thirteen and twenty. Also, nailing things down doesn't really help, so that makes it tricky."

"Right," Butcher says. "Pete, I promise I won't let any of your kids die in the park. Or almost die. Or get beaten up. Or beat anybody else up. They'll have _assigned handlers_, okay?"

"Okay," Pete says, and he's sad to hear the reluctance in his own voice. "I'll pay you guys enough to start your own island country, don't worry."

Butcher's kind of right; this isn't exactly the kind of parent Pete was planning on being. He's pretty sure, though, that once the first three are off to college he'll totally be able to turn into that guy. Unless something horrible happens when the others hit puberty.

Anyway, then that's settled, and all that's left on the list is going shopping with two kids who possibly hate him (though they'll absolutely be won over by the time the day's over, he has no doubt about that), and finding Gerard something that isn't actually a princess Barbie castle, is kid-appropriate, and also hopefully isn't any of Mikey's suggestions, because Mikey's helpfulness apparently stops at gift ideas. Well, except for the comics, but comics just aren't an appropriate first-birthday-as-couple present. Even though Gerard probably wouldn't agree.  


* * *

  


* * *

  


The thing that keeps surprising Pete about Spencer and Bob is how unquestionably Gerard's they are. They don't _seem_ to be; it just comes out in little bursts and hints, like how Bob, even though he's still absolutely reserved, puts out his hand for Pete to hold as a matter of course the second they leave the car. Pete hesitates a moment after he instinctively wraps is own hand around it, taken aback, then wonders if he should reach out for Spencer as well, but Spencer is already leading the way towards the doors, so he just beeps the alarm on and follows.

**Author's Note:**

> The story about the repeatedly nailed window is true, at least according to some interview where Pete showed off the house he grew up in. I have no idea if there's a good reason for the lack of logistics, but, you know, hopefully.


End file.
